Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Miracle Diet

Taco Bell has joined it's esteemed colleagues in the fast food industry with an offering of "healthy" options. The idea that a fast food chain could help you lose weight rose to national prominence because of the sudden and staggering weight loss of one very fat man and his love for Subway sandwiches.

Here's the commercial in question:

I wont argue that the bird in this video is fit. And I commend her effort to drop 50lbs. Odds are she saved both her marriage and her ankles. But just like that glutton Jared, this is exactly the type of thing we don't need.

For better or for worse, fast food is an integral part of American culture. McDonald's, for instance, is one of the most recognized brands on the planet. When we bomb your oil rich, sand filled country, what's the first thing we put up? That's right, two big golden arches. A big "fuck you" to the rest of the world.

But when did society get so twisted that we expect our fast food chains to offer us a "healthy" alternative on their menu? There's already a very healthy alternative to fast food: avoiding it entirely.

I understand that people have vices. Just like gambling, drinking, unprotected sex, and intravenous drug use, fast food is harmless in moderation. But like the degenerate gambler spunking his savings on Black Jack, a fast food junkie can't complain when his fat rolls develop fat rolls and he becomes short of breath upon attempting simple tasks, like washing his hands or climbing a flight of stairs.

The very idea that you should base your weight loss regiment on eating re fried shit at Taco Bell is so backwards that the campaign should be laughed off the airwaves. But then you forget the target market: Americans. Just to give you a quick rundown of Taco Bells market:
- American's scored the lowest on an average IQ test for developed countries (average IQ of 98).
- 24% of American's polled don't know who we fought against in the Revolutionary War.
- Overweight people outnumber those who are within their acceptable weight range, meaning that overweight people now make up the "average".

As someone who feels they have an inquisitive mind, I've attempted to make sense of how the Taco Bell diet works. Let's start with a simple fact. Just like Pabst Blue Ribbon, fast food makes your stomach very upset. These causes trouble for your bowels, and forces you to make a trip to the restroom or invest in Depends. I have concluded that the only way to make this diet work is that by consuming Taco Bell you actually manage to defecate so much that you exceed your daily calorie intake.

If you can't kick fast food, you don't deserve to kick the pounds.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Innapropriate Things From My Youth: Blacky

Austria is a good place. The landscape is beautiful. The architecture is pristine. The people are great. And besides a few blemishes here and there, the history is fascinating.

Growing up in Austria, and spending many great summers there triggers great memories.

One of my favorite memories is going to the public swimming pool with friends and family. I loved asking my parents for a few Schillings (now defunct thanks to the rainbow colored Euro) to get myself some ice cream.

My favorite was always a chocolate covered vanilla bar. The Austrian's, with their tolerance for difference aptly titled this ice cream bar "Blacky". So without further ado, here it is:

Saturday, December 26, 2009


Out of context quote of the day:

"Maybe they should give him a code name or something, like chocolate"

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas

I celebrate Xmas. Not because I believe Jesus was born in a barn to a virgin mother. I do it for my family. And I'd be lying if I didn't say I did it for the presents.

I'm not sensitive to what you celebrate.

No, that's false.

I just don't care. Because frankly, it's none of my business.

This year I learned that if you don't pay attention to the constant barrage of Christmas related advertising and hype, you actually manage to avoid it.

Christmas music adds a certain flair and charm to a party, but should be mixed in with normal music as well.

Adult Christmas parties are fun. There's plenty of free food. Oh, and plenty of free booze. Ugly sweaters adorn the chest of most party goers, and this ads to the ambiance of the party, and the season. Don't be a Grinch, wear you're ugly sweater.

After years of incompetence, I finally learned how to wrap a gift in a semi-presentable manner.

While I was doing my early Christmas shopping, on December 23rd, I accidentally cut off a lady while driving. I didn't mean to, and it really was an honest mistake. You see, I thought everyone had a stop sign. It wasn't the case. She shouted. She shouted loudly. I couldn't hear a word she was saying because she had her windows rolled up. Somewhere there is a man who is extremely happy he left this woman. Merry Christmas to you.

It's actually quite a joy to have your shopping done before December 24th. Instead of jumping into the rat race that is the day before Christmas, I had time to ponder if bench players in the NBA shower after games? And is there such a thing as a red headed Asian?

I received some sweet gifts from my family. Most memorable are definitely the shoes my sister got me. Fit for a pimp I tell you. She bought them at what she calls the "Black Market". Evidently this is a place where "black people set up a fat warehouse. Most of the shit is stolen. But it's sweet, you can get anything you want!"

I hope that all of you out there enjoy your Holiday season.

And please remember, don't feed the homeless.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Pete Doherty's Drug Dealer

Pete Doherty, for those who don't know, was the lead singer and songwriter for the English Indie-rock band, The Libertines. He had a tumultuous and impassioned relationship with Britain's glamour girl, Kate Moss. He also had/has one hell of a drug habit.

British tabloids couldn't get enough of this precocious, baby-faced waster, who wrote bitter sweet lyrics lamenting over the loss of his dearest Katie. By now he's surely earned himself a place among the likes of Hendrix, Jagger: rockers who died or were on the verge of it by their mid-twenties because of their reckless using and abusing. The public were mesmerized by how resistant Pete was to any sort of intervention. "You'd think," they would say, "he might have cleaned up a bit after being ousted from his own band after he ransacked the apartment of fellow bandmate and long time best friend Carl Barat for valuables to support his addiction.” On the contrary; rather it simply fueled his binge and soon every trash newspaper in London featured photos of Pete with white rings under his nostrils and dark ghoulish bags under his glassy eyes. The more emaciated and gaunt he got, the more iconic he became.
He also wrote some of his most profound and poignant lyrics in this heroinized state with his new band Babyshambles, the album cover for which he self-illustrated; disturbing and fantastic images made from his own blood.

We have all heard the saying about how inebriation can spur creativity and Pete Doherty (like Hendrix, Jagger, and the Beatles) uphold this assumption. I dare anybody to write a song like Purple Haze sans the 'haze', or perform "Gimme Shelter" live with the same vigorous apathy that the Stones did without a brief jab or snort or both prior to getting on stage.
No, let's get things straight, heavily cut drugs and the 'I'll be dead by 27' attitude tends to bring out the best in certain musicians. Doherty is living (who knows for how much longer) proof.

The artists I've mentioned have been idolized and worshiped for their talent and rightfully so. Doherty wrote some astounding poetry at the age of 12 and obtained top marks at university in his literature degree. No one doubts his inherent skill and he's deserving of all the credit he gets... (well most of it, I'd argue.)
He is a complex character and has the innate ability to put feelings into verses, necessary ingredients for any great songwriter, but let's not forget the final pinch (actually much more than just a pinch) of spice which sets Doherty and the others on the path to greatness. The drugs!

Who would Pete Doherty have been without the powder and the needles? Probably a nobody living in Clapham. And just how great would his songs have turned out? Mediocre

Therefore doesn’t his drug dealer deserve some of the credit? The poor guy living in East London who was woken up at 5am by Pete pounding on his front door, itching and scratching for a hit of something because Kate was ignoring his phone calls. Yes I think he deserves a bit more than just a shout out. After all, following the transaction Pete would shoot up go on to write some of his best material yet.

The Libertines are one of my favorite bands and Pete Doherty is in a league of his own when it comes to truly great songwriters and singers of this decade. None of this was to take credit away from him; rather more to extend some credit to the bloke selling him the junk which will inevitably lead to his demise. The same junk that led him to such accomplishments.

Sunday, December 20, 2009


Quote of the Day:

"I'm working on a children's book tenatively titled: Shhhh...Don't Tell"

Friday, December 18, 2009

Life of The Party

Another good joint I've been playing a lot as of recent.

Been busy, so there's been little time to add any new content.

Ian Curtis claims he's working on his debut piece, so we shall see. Hopefully we'll have a rendition of "The Temp", or "The Shrink" coming soon.

Until then, cheers.