Miracle Diet

Taco Bell has joined it's esteemed colleagues in the fast food industry with an offering of "healthy" options. The idea that a fast food chain could help you lose weight rose to national prominence because of the sudden and staggering weight loss of one very fat man and his love for Subway sandwiches.

Here's the commercial in question:



I wont argue that the bird in this video is fit. And I commend her effort to drop 50lbs. Odds are she saved both her marriage and her ankles. But just like that glutton Jared, this is exactly the type of thing we don't need.

For better or for worse, fast food is an integral part of American culture. McDonald's, for instance, is one of the most recognized brands on the planet. When we bomb your oil rich, sand filled country, what's the first thing we put up? That's right, two big golden arches. A big "fuck you" to the rest of the world.

But when did society get so twisted that we expect our fast food chains to offer us a "healthy" alternative on their menu? There's already a very healthy alternative to fast food: avoiding it entirely.

I understand that people have vices. Just like gambling, drinking, unprotected sex, and intravenous drug use, fast food is harmless in moderation. But like the degenerate gambler spunking his savings on Black Jack, a fast food junkie can't complain when his fat rolls develop fat rolls and he becomes short of breath upon attempting simple tasks, like washing his hands or climbing a flight of stairs.

The very idea that you should base your weight loss regiment on eating re fried shit at Taco Bell is so backwards that the campaign should be laughed off the airwaves. But then you forget the target market: Americans. Just to give you a quick rundown of Taco Bells market:
- American's scored the lowest on an average IQ test for developed countries (average IQ of 98).
- 24% of American's polled don't know who we fought against in the Revolutionary War.
- Overweight people outnumber those who are within their acceptable weight range, meaning that overweight people now make up the "average".

As someone who feels they have an inquisitive mind, I've attempted to make sense of how the Taco Bell diet works. Let's start with a simple fact. Just like Pabst Blue Ribbon, fast food makes your stomach very upset. These causes trouble for your bowels, and forces you to make a trip to the restroom or invest in Depends. I have concluded that the only way to make this diet work is that by consuming Taco Bell you actually manage to defecate so much that you exceed your daily calorie intake.

If you can't kick fast food, you don't deserve to kick the pounds.